The 2 AM Emergency: Plumbing, Parrots, and Panic
Setting: A lavish bedroom in Catherine Zeta-Jones’s Hollywood Hills mansion. The clock on the nightstand reads 2:03 AM. The room is bathed in the soft blue glow of a single lamp. Catherine Zeta-Jones is standing in the middle of the room, barefoot, wearing an expensive silk robe that is now splattered with what appears to be cake batter. Her hair is a wild mess. Her eyes are wide with panic. In her hands, she clutches her phone like a lifeline. On the floor behind her, a small puddle of water is slowly spreading across the marble tiles.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_Zeta-Jones
Catherine: (Frantic, jabbing at her phone screen) “Pick up. Pick up. Pick up, you insane bird woman. I know you’re awake. You’re always awake. You probably have a nocturnal rosella that keeps you up. PICK UP.”
The phone connects. Lady Gaga’s face appears on the screen, groggy but alert. Behind her, the dim lights of her own bedroom are visible. On a new perch in the corner—a magnificent custom-built structure of driftwood and rope—Geraldine the Crimson Rosella and Kevin the King-Parrot are sound asleep, their heads tucked under their wings. The sudden buzzing of the video call startles them both awake. Geraldine lets out an indignant squawk. Kevin ruffles his feathers and glares at the phone with unmistakable annoyance.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_king_parrot
[Menu]
Gaga: (Squinting at the screen, pushing her sleep mask up onto her forehead) “Catherine? It’s two in the morning. What—” She stops, seeing the state of her friend. “Oh my god. What happened to you? You look like you fought a cake and lost.”
Catherine: (Holding the phone up, spinning around to show the chaos behind her) “LOOK. LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plumber
Behind Catherine, the kitchen is visible through an open door. It looks like a bomb went off in a bakery. Flour dusts every surface. A mixing bowl lies overturned on the counter. A whisk is dangling from a cabinet handle. And in the center of it all, sitting in a baking tray, is a cake that has clearly collapsed in on itself, oozing batter and glaze in a sad, lumpy heap. The puddle on the bedroom floor is growing larger.
Gaga: (Sitting up straighter, suddenly very awake) “Is that… is that the lavender honey cake? The recipe I gave you? The one with the rosewater glaze?”
Catherine: (Screaming into the phone) “YES! IT’S THE CAKE! YOUR CAKE! THE BIRD CAKE! THE ONE I WAS SUPPOSED TO SERVE AT THE PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT! AND NOW IT’S—” She gestures wildly at the collapsed disaster. “—IT’S A CRIME SCENE! AND THERE’S WATER EVERYWHERE! AND I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S THE CAKE OR THE PLUMBING OR BOTH!”
Gaga: (Pausing, a slow grin spreading across her face) “Wait. Wait. Is plumbing involved?”
Catherine: (Pointing the phone down at the floor) “LOOK. LOOK AT THIS PUDDLE. IT’S COMING FROM UNDER THE SINK. I WAS MAKING THE CAKE. I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR RIDICULOUS RECIPE. I WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. AND THEN—” She takes a deep, shuddering breath. “—AND THEN THE SINK STARTED GURGLING. AND WATER STARTED POURING OUT. AND I PANICKED. AND I DROPPED THE CAKE. AND NOW EVERYTHING IS RUINED.”
Gaga: (Leaning closer to the screen, clearly delighted) “You dropped the cake because the sink gurgled. Catherine. Catherine, listen to me. You are a grown woman. You have survived red carpets. You have survived Michael Douglas. You have survived three hours of my bird facts. And you are undone by a gurgling sink?”
Catherine: (Whimpering) “It was a VERY LOUD GURGLE. It sounded like something was dying in there. Like a small animal. Or a ghost. Or—”
Gaga: “—or a simple plumbing issue that could be fixed by a competent tradesman? Perhaps one named Gavin?”
Catherine: (Freezing, her face going pale) “Don’t. Don’t you dare say his name. Don’t you dare suggest I call him at two in the morning. That would be—”
Gaga: (Interrupting) “—exactly what you’re going to do. You’re going to call Gavin. You’re going to tell him you have an emergency. You’re going to use those words. ‘Emergency plumbing issue.’ And he’s going to come over. And he’s going to fix your sink. And you’re going to offer him cake. Even though the cake is a disaster. And he’s going to say yes. And you’re going to finally have your moment.”
Catherine: (Staring at the phone, horrified) “I can’t. I absolutely cannot call Gavin at two in the morning. He’ll think I’m insane. He’ll think I’m—”
Gaga: (Scoffing) “He already thinks you’re insane. You fake-called him three times for condensation. He knows. He absolutely knows. He’s just too professional to say anything. Call him. Call him now. I’ll stay on the line. I’ll be your emotional support.”
Behind Gaga, Geraldine and Kevin have fully woken up. Geraldine cocks her head, watching the phone with interest. Kevin lets out a low, grumpy chirp and tucks his head back under his wing, clearly unimpressed with the nighttime drama.
Catherine: (Looking down at her phone, then at the puddle, then at the ruined cake) “I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m too embarrassed. I’ve already made a fool of myself. Three times. Three times, Gaga. He knows my voice. He knows my address. He probably has a file on me. ‘Crazy Lady Who Calls About Condensation.'”
Gaga: (Firmly) “You are not crazy. You are a woman who appreciates competence. That’s not a crime. That’s a preference. Call him. Call him right now. Or I will call him for you. I have his number. You left it on the fridge last time you were here. I memorized it.”
Catherine: (Gasping) “You memorized Gavin’s phone number? That’s—that’s—”
Gaga: “—prepared. Like I said. I’m always prepared. Now call him. And while you’re at it, tell me what went wrong with the cake. Step by step. I can fix this. I can fix both problems. I’m a certified plumbing student and a bird expert and a baker. I am uniquely qualified for this exact situation.”
Catherine: (Taking a deep breath, her hand trembling as she pulls up her contacts) “Fine. Fine. I’ll call him. But you stay on the line. You don’t hang up. You listen. You witness. You—”
Gaga: “—I will be here. Geraldine is watching. Kevin is reluctantly watching. Geoffrey is watching from my shoulder blade. We are all here. We are all invested. Now call him. And put it on speaker.”
Catherine: (Dialing, her face a mask of terror and hope) “This is the most humiliating moment of my life. And I once tripped on the red carpet and fell into Hugh Jackman’s arms. In front of the entire world.”
Gaga: “And you survived that. You’ll survive this. Now shush. It’s ringing.”
The phone rings once. Twice. Three times. Catherine’s face is pale. Geraldine lets out a soft, encouraging chirp from Gaga’s perch. Kevin, against all odds, lifts his head and seems to listen.
Gavin: (A gruff, sleepy voice answers) “Hello? Who is this?”
Catherine: (Freezing, her voice coming out in a squeak) “Gavin! Hi! It’s Catherine Zeta-Jones. From—from the house. The one with the—the condensation. And the—”
Gavin: (Sounding slightly more awake, but still deeply tired) “Ma’am, it’s two in the morning. Is this an emergency?”
Catherine: (Looking at Gaga’s face on the phone, Gaga giving her an exaggerated thumbs up) “Yes. Yes, it’s an emergency. My sink is gurgling. There’s water everywhere. And my cake collapsed. And I—I need help. Please. I need help.”
There’s a long pause on the other end. Catherine holds her breath. Gaga bites her lip. Geraldine chirps nervously.
Gavin: (Finally, with a sigh that sounds almost fond) “I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Don’t touch anything. And ma’am?”
Catherine: (Whispering) “Yes?”
Gavin: “Try not to panic. It’s probably just a blocked P-trap. I’ve seen worse. And if the cake is a total loss, I know a good bakery that delivers at four in the morning.”
Catherine: (Her face breaking into a relieved, tearful smile) “Thank you. Thank you, Gavin.”
Gavin: “See you soon.” (He hangs up.)
Catherine: (Staring at her phone, then at Gaga’s face on the screen) “He’s coming. He’s coming. He said he’ll be here in twenty minutes. And he—he mentioned the cake. He knows about the cake. He’s going to see the cake. He’s going to—”
Gaga: (Grinning widely) “He’s going to fix your sink. And you’re going to offer him cake. And it’s going to be fine. Now—tell me about the cake. What did you do wrong? Walk me through it. I can talk you through a salvage plan. We have twenty minutes.”
Catherine: (Nodding, still trembling, but calmer) “Okay. Okay. I followed the recipe. I used the lavender. I used the honey. I used the—”
Gaga: (Interrupting) “Did you use room temperature eggs? Because the recipe specifically says room temperature eggs. If you used cold eggs, the batter would seize. And if the batter seizes, the cake collapses. It’s basic chemistry, Catherine.”
Catherine: (Her face falling) “I… I used cold eggs. I didn’t think it mattered. I thought—”
Gaga: (Sighing dramatically) “It matters. It absolutely matters. But we can fix this. While Gavin is fixing your sink, you’re going to make a new batter. I’m going to walk you through it. Step by step. No cold eggs. No panic. Just cake. And when Gavin finishes, you’re going to hand him a slice of the most perfect lavender honey cake he’s ever tasted. And he’s going to fall in love with you. Not because of the cake. But because you didn’t give up. Because you tried again. Because you’re a fighter.”
Catherine: (Laughing through her tears) “You’re insane. You’re absolutely insane. And I love you. I love Geraldine. I love Kevin. I even love Geoffrey. I love all of it.”
Gaga: (Beaming) “I know you do. Now—go get the eggs. Room temperature. And I’ll stay on the line. And we’ll fix this. Both of it. The plumbing. The cake. Your life. Everything.”
Behind Gaga, Geraldine lets out a triumphant squawk. Kevin, finally invested, chirps in agreement. The clock ticks toward 2:20 AM. And somewhere in the hills, a van with a plumbing logo is winding its way toward a house with a collapsed cake and a very determined woman.
Catherine: (Picking up the ingredients, phone propped against a jar of flour) “Okay. I’m ready. Talk me through it. And Gaga?”
Gaga: “Yes?”
Catherine: (Smiling, despite everything) “Thank you. For everything. For the birds. For the recipe. For the plumbing advice. For staying on the line. For—”
Gaga: (Interrupting, her voice warm) “That’s what friends are for. Now—let’s make some cake. And let’s make Gavin wish he’d shown up sooner.”
The next twenty minutes were a blur of flour, sugar, and frantic video instruction. By the time Gavin knocked on the door, the new batter was in the oven, the kitchen was marginally cleaner, and Catherine was standing at the door in a fresh robe, her hair somewhat tamed, a smile on her face that was only slightly manic.
Gavin: (Standing in the doorway, toolbox in hand, looking at her with a mixture of amusement and exhaustion) “You look better than you did on the phone.”
Catherine: (Stepping aside) “I had help. And I have cake in the oven. Would you like some when you’re done?”
Gavin: (Walking past her, a small smile on his face) “I’d like that. Now show me this sink.”
And as he bent down to inspect the P-trap, Catherine leaned against the counter, her phone still connected, Gaga’s face grinning from the screen, Geraldine and Kevin dozing peacefully in the background.
Gaga: (Whispering) “You’ve got this. You’ve got the sink. You’ve got the cake. You’ve got Gavin. You’ve got everything.”
Catherine: (Whispering back) “I hate you. I truly hate you. But thank you.”
Gaga: (Grinning) “You’re welcome. Now shush. He’s about to say something clever about your pipes. I want to hear it.”
Catherine: (Rolling her eyes, but smiling) “You’re impossible.”
Gaga: “And yet, here I am. Two in the morning. Birds on my perch. Cake on your mind. Plumbing at your feet. It’s the perfect disaster.”
Catherine: (Looking down at Gavin, who is muttering something about faulty seals, then back at the phone) “It really is. It really, truly is.”
The cake, when it emerged from the oven, was perfect. The sink, when Gavin finished with it, was silent. And Catherine, when she finally went to bed at 5 AM, had a new recipe, a fixed plumbing system, and a date for coffee with a plumber named Gavin.
And somewhere across the city, Lady Gaga fell asleep with a smile on her face, Geraldine and Kevin perched beside her, dreaming of lavender honey cake and the beautiful chaos of friendship.