The Plumber’s Call: A Prank, A Parrot, and a Perfect Cake
Setting: Lady Gaga’s home studio, a sprawling space filled with
synthesizers, sequined costumes, and the magnificent custom perch where Geraldine the Crimson Rosella and Kevin the King-Parrot now reside. It is mid-afternoon, sunlight streaming through floor-to-ceiling windows. Gaga is seated at her desk, wearing an oversized t-shirt featuring her own face, her hair in a messy bun, scrolling through emails. Geraldine is preening on her right shoulder. Kevin is dozing on her left. The peace is interrupted by the insistent chime of a Zoom call from an unknown number.
Gaga: (Frowning at the screen) “Unknown caller? At this hour? I don’t do unscheduled calls. Unless it’s an emergency. Unless someone’s sink has exploded. Unless—” She pauses, a flicker of curiosity crossing her face. “—unless it’s Brenda from Toledo calling to check on my flange progress.”
She accepts the call. The screen flickers to life, but the video is off. Only a black square with a tiny microphone icon appears. The name on the call reads simply: “THE PLUMBER.”
Gaga: (Leaning back, amused) “Well, well, well. ‘The Plumber.’ How mysterious. How ominous. Should I be scared, or should I be impressed?”
Voice: (A gruff, slightly distorted voice, clearly using a voice modulator) “Neither. You should be curious. And you should answer my questions.”
Gaga: (Snorting) “Oh, I like this. A mysterious anonymous plumber calling me on Zoom with demands. This is either a very elaborate prank or a very niche marketing campaign. Either way, I’m intrigued. But before we go any further—” She leans forward, her eyes narrowing. “—I need proof. Proof of your plumbing prowess. Anyone can call themselves ‘The Plumber.’ I need to know you’re legitimate.”
Voice: (A pause, then a dry chuckle) “Fair enough. Here’s what I can do without breaking a sweat. I can snake a drain that’s been clogged for a decade. I can replace a wax ring on a toilet in under ten minutes. I can sweat copper pipes without burning down your house. I can diagnose a water heater issue by listening to it from across the room. I can install a garbage disposal with one hand tied behind my back. I can—”
[Menu]
Gaga: (Interrupting, genuinely impressed) “Okay, okay. You’ve made your point. You know your stuff. That was a very impressive list. Almost too impressive. You sound like you’ve been doing this for decades.”
Voice: (Smoothly) “I have. Plumbing is second nature to me. It’s in my blood. It’s—”
Plumbing in the lower North Shore of Sydney
Gaga: “—it’s also very specific. Almost like you’ve memorized a script. But fine. I’ll play along. What do you want?”
Voice: (Pausing) “I want to know why you’re wearing a rosella on your right shoulder and a king-parrot on your left. That’s not a typical accessory for a pop star. Even one as eccentric as you.”
Gaga: (Glancing at Geraldine, who chirps softly, then at Kevin, who remains blissfully asleep) “You noticed that, did you? Well, since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you. The Crimson Rosella—Platycercus elegans—is a medium-sized parrot native to eastern and southeastern Australia. They’re known for their striking crimson and blue plumage. They live up to thirty years in captivity. They’re monogamous. They mate for life. They engage in allopreening, which is mutual grooming, to strengthen social bonds. They’re beautiful, intelligent, and deeply loyal.”
Voice: (Silent for a moment) “And the other one? The green and red one on your left shoulder?”
Gaga: (Patting Kevin gently) “This is Kevin. He’s an Australian King-Parrot—Alisterus scapularis. Also monogamous. Also long-lived, up to thirty years. They’re sexually dimorphic, meaning males and females look different. Kevin here is a male. You can tell by the red head and the green body. The females have green heads. They’re also known for their gentle nature. They’re not as flashy as the rosellas, but they have a quiet dignity. I respect that.”
Voice: (A note of genuine curiosity creeping in) “You know a lot about birds for a pop star.”
Gaga: (Smirking) “I know a lot about a lot of things. Plumbing. Birds. Cake. I’m a Renaissance woman. What can I say?”
Voice: (Pausing again, longer this time) “Speaking of cake. Do you know a good recipe for chocolate cake? I have a… a friend. A friend who loves chocolate cake. And I want to surprise her. But I’m no baker. I need a foolproof recipe. Something simple. Something elegant. Something that won’t collapse in the middle of the night and cause a plumbing emergency.”
Gaga: (Sitting up straighter, her eyes narrowing) “That’s… oddly specific. A friend who loves chocolate cake. And you’re calling me—a woman you’ve never met—to ask for a recipe? This is getting stranger by the minute. But fine. I have a recipe. A good one. It’s my grandmother’s. It’s called ‘The Perfect Chocolate Cake.’ It has buttermilk, coffee, and a dark chocolate ganache. It’s rich, moist, and impossible to mess up. Even if your sink is gurgling and your cake collapses, this recipe will save you. It’s—”
Voice: (Interrupting, suddenly sounding less gruff and more familiar) “—it’s the one you gave Catherine. The lavender honey cake. But with chocolate instead.”
Gaga: (Freezing, her eyes going wide) “Wait. Wait a minute. How do you know about the lavender honey cake? How do you know about Catherine? Who is this?”
The screen flickers. The black square disappears. And in its place, Catherine Zeta-Jones appears, wearing a ridiculously fake false moustache, a garish curly wig, and a pair of oversized glasses. She is trying very hard to look serious, but her face is already contorting with suppressed laughter.
Gaga: (Screaming) “CATHERINE! YOU—YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE! YOU PRANKED ME! YOU PRANKED ME WITH A FAKE PLUMBER VOICE AND A VOICE MODULATOR AND—”
Catherine: (Dissolving into hysterical laughter, the moustache slipping off one side of her face) “I GOT YOU! I ACTUALLY GOT YOU! YOU BELIEVED IT! YOU BELIEVED THE PLUMBER WAS REAL!”
Gaga: (Clutching her chest, Geraldine fluttering in alarm, Kevin finally waking up with an indignant squawk) “I—YOU—THAT WAS—YOU LISTED ALL THOSE PLUMBING TASKS! YOU SOUNDED SO CONVINCING! HOW DID YOU KNOW ALL THAT?”
Catherine: (Wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, the wig now askew) “I’VE BEEN TAKING NOTES! I’ve been listening to Gavin! For months! I have a whole document on my phone called ‘Plumbing Terminology.’ I studied it. I memorized it. I was prepared for this exact moment!”
Gaga: (Pointing at the screen, her voice a mixture of outrage and delight) “You—you faked a plumber’s voice. You wore a false moustache. You asked me about my BIRDS. You asked me for a CAKE RECIPE. You played me like a fiddle!”
Catherine: (Nodding triumphantly) “I did. And it was glorious. The best prank I’ve ever pulled. Better than the time I convinced Michael that the house was haunted. Better than the time I told the paparazzi I was pregnant with triplets. This—THIS—is my masterpiece.”
Gaga: (Laughing now, despite herself) “You’re insane. You’re absolutely, completely, certifiably insane. You called me at two in the morning crying about a collapsed cake and a gurgling sink, and now you’re pranking me with a fake plumber and a false moustache?”
Catherine: (Beaming) “Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or in this case, served with a side of chocolate cake and a fake moustache. You made me call Gavin at two in the morning. You made me confess my deepest plumbing-related shame. You made me clean up a collapsed cake while a plumber fixed my sink. This was payback. Sweet, delicious payback.”
Gaga: (Shaking her head, still laughing) “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you went to all this trouble. The voice modulator. The research. The moustache. How long did this take you to plan?”
Catherine: (Proudly) “Three days. I rehearsed the plumbing list in the mirror. I practiced the voice modulation. I even watched a documentary about parrots to make sure I could ask the right questions. Geraldine and Kevin—those were the highlights. I almost broke character when you started listing their scientific names.”
Gaga: (Looking at Geraldine, who is now preening calmly, and Kevin, who has gone back to sleep) “They didn’t even flinch. They knew. They absolutely knew it was you.”
Catherine: (Gasping) “They did not. They’re birds. They don’t know anything.”
Gaga: (Smirking) “They know. They’re smarter than you think. And they’re definitely smarter than you, given that you just revealed yourself as the mastermind behind the most elaborate prank in our friendship history.”
Catherine: (Leaning back, still grinning) “I regret nothing. Absolutely nothing. And now I have a chocolate cake recipe. From your grandmother. That I’m going to make for Gavin. And it’s going to be perfect. And he’s going to love it. And he’s going to ask me where I got the recipe. And I’m going to say—”
Gaga: (Interrupting, deadpan) “—from a mysterious plumber who called me on Zoom and asked about my birds.”
Catherine: (Snorting) “Exactly. And then I’m going to tell him the truth. And he’s going to laugh. And he’s going to think I’m even more ridiculous than he already does. And he’s going to love me for it.”
Gaga: (Shaking her head, but smiling) “You have lost your mind. Completely and utterly lost it. But I love you. And I’m going to send you that chocolate cake recipe. And I’m going to expect a slice. And I’m going to expect photos of Gavin eating it. And I’m going to expect—”
Catherine: (Waving a hand) “Yes, yes, you’ll expect the world. And you’ll get it. Because you’re my best friend. And because you fell for the fake plumber prank. And because you have birds on your shoulders and a certificate in residential plumbing systems from a community college in Ohio.”
Gaga: (Grinning) “I hate you. I truly hate you.”
Catherine: “You love me. And you love Geraldine. And you love Kevin. And you love the fact that I went to all this trouble just to make you laugh.”
Gaga: (Pausing, her expression softening) “I do. I really do. This was—this was brilliant. You’re brilliant. And I’m going to get you back. You know that, right? This isn’t over. This is just the beginning.”
Catherine: (Smirking, adjusting her false moustache) “I’m counting on it. Bring it on, bird lady. I’m ready for round two.”
Gaga: (Looking at the screen, at Catherine’s ridiculous disguise, at the chaos of the past few days) “You know what? I think I’m ready too. But first—send me a photo of that moustache. I’m making it my new contact photo for you.”
Catherine: (Removing the moustache and holding it up to the camera) “Here. Make it your wallpaper. Make it your screensaver. Make it your legacy. I don’t care. I’ve won. I’ve truly, definitively won.”
Gaga: (Laughing) “You haven’t won. You’ve just started a war. And I have two birds, a plumbing certificate, and a grandmother’s chocolate cake recipe on my side. You don’t stand a chance.”
Catherine: (Winking) “I look forward to it. Now—send me that recipe. Gavin is coming over tonight. And I have a sink that needs to be ‘accidentally’ gurgled.”
Gaga: (Groaning) “You’re impossible. You’re absolutely impossible.”
Catherine: “And yet, here we are. Two hours later. Still talking about plumbing, birds, and cake. Some things never change.”
Gaga: (Smiling, despite herself) “They really don’t. Now go. Fix your sink. Make your cake. Seduce your plumber. And send me photos. I want to see the moustache make a reappearance.”
Catherine: (Saluting) “Will do. Over and out, bird lady. And Gaga?”
Gaga: “Yes?”
Catherine: (Her voice soft, genuine) “Thank you. For everything. For the birds. For the cake. For being you.”
Gaga: (Warmly) “Anytime. Now go. And send me that recipe. I want to see if you can actually bake.”
Catherine: (Laughing as she ends the call) “I’ll send you a photo. A photo of the cake. And a photo of Gavin. And a photo of the moustache. It’s going to be legendary.”
The screen goes black. Gaga sits in her studio, Geraldine on her shoulder, Kevin asleep on his perch, laughing to herself.
Gaga: (To the birds) “She’s impossible. She’s absolutely impossible. And I love her. I love her so much.”
Geraldine chirps in agreement. Kevin stirs, lets out a sleepy squawk, and tucks his head back under his wing. And somewhere across the city, Catherine Zeta-Jones is removing a fake moustache and planning her next move.
The chocolate cake was, in fact, perfect. Gavin loved it. And the false moustache made a reappearance at the dinner party, much to everyone’s delight. The war between the bird lady and the plumbing-obsessed actress continued, but both knew that the real victory was in the friendship, the laughter, and the beautiful, ridiculous chaos they created together.